In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
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The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.
The truth is more important than the facts.
O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
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O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
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Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
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Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
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I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Why don't you write books people can read?
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
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That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.
Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
After every 'victory' you have more enemies.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.